Author: widowedtoosoon

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Their aren’t too many writers that we can turn to when it comes to widowhood, but I will link to the pages that I follow myself and find comforting.

Living in the Northeast, winters can take up much of the year. And not growing up with this sort of environment can be quite the adjustment. In fact, it’s taken me 10 years. But, I’m finally content to allow myself to have lazy days and nights, and to comfort myself with food, books, and videos. Yes, I’m anxious for spring and all that entails. But, I’m also happy to relax, gain a bit of weight, try new recipes, watch too much YouTube, and take naps. My bed has become my happy place. Surrounded by cats, pillows, and snacks is sort of like living in a nest. Keeping warm and comfortable is a nice change for part of the year. We get so busy in the warmer months, what with chores, gardening, festivals, late nights, and busier schedules. Give yourself a break and enjoy the downtime! If you must feel somewhat productive, try making lists of the things you’d like to do once the winter is over.

It doesn't end 
your grieving, suffering, loss of self 
it stays with you until you stop breathing  
It's a part of you now, just like they were a part of you 
Love doesn't end, but it can change  
You are not alone in your suffering  

You may be asking yourself the question above, whether you’re a social butterfly or not. After the death of our spouse, we obviously feel alone and abandoned. But we do not expect to feel this way from our friends and family. And, more times than not, this is exactly what happens. Their grief is strong too, though nowhere near what yours is. This will cause them to ignore you and not reach out to you when you need it the most. They are avoiding the pain that they’ll feel when you speak to them. They’ll be reminded of their immortality, your sadness. And they have the luxury of avoiding those feelings by not reaching out to you.

You, of course, deal with these feelings moment to moment of every day, and have hopefully developed coping skills to handle those feelings. They, perhaps were not forced to deal with these feelings like we were. They can avoid it for their own convenience. And, that my friends, is the sad truth. No one is going to pick you up, dust you off, and carry you through this burden.

Best to get comfortable being alone and consoling yourself. Now, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t seek therapy. This can be the most helpful tool, along with communication with other widows. There are plenty of groups out there. Don’t be afraid to join them. If you don’t like it, you can leave. You have the power, no one else.

Last night I woke up screaming.

When I have a nightmare, which is more frequent since becoming a widow, I miss my husband there to wake me up, comfort me, while I’m experiencing a bad dream. Now, its all up to me, to awaken, to comfort myself, and to convince myself it was just a dream. Though, the dreams are usually very vivid, which means a longer time to understand that it wasn’t real.

He doesn’t appear as himself when he visits my dreams. He’s a different person, on the inside. He’s a mean person, who doesn’t like me, and refuses to talk to me most of the time. He tries to explain he’s in love with someone else. He no longer wants me in his life.

This is all bullshit, of course. My husband wasn’t the cheating kind. He always would say, when discussing a cheater; “what man wants two women? One is a handful!” Which I completely adored him saying, and I also agreed.

But, I know these dreams are just my brain trying to explain his absence. It’s only trying to help me understand why he isn’t here. But, after eating in bed at night, a recent coping mechanisim since his death, my stomach takes part with my brain to tramatize me with these nightmares. Now, I know I should stop eating after 8p.m., blah, blah, blah. But, as you may know, food is a comfort. Especially, when I’m about to lay my head down and become completely vulnerable, physically and mentally. So, thank you Nutella for your comfort.

The funny, yet appalling thing is, that when my husband was dying, I told him to come to me in my dreams if he could, after he passed. But, of course this is not what I had in mind, and confirms my beleif that their is no afterlife.

“Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.” -W.S. Merwin

When you loose your spouse, who was your best friend, the loss is tremendous. It effects all aspects of your reality. Nearly every thought that runs through your mind is effected by your loss.

You can no longer think in the same way, because your life has been completely changed. This is the unknown struggle that we all face. People who have not experienced it, will not comprehend what difficulties we have every moment of every day. This, in itself can be frustrating, even enraging, at times.

Go ahead and be angry. You have every right. Other peoples ignorance is their own bliss. And we no longer have that luxury.

“Grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping it’s bombs each time the circle brings it overhead.”
– C.S Lewis

“A Grief Observed”, by C.S. Lewis, was a helpful read for me in widowhood. His poetry of grief is recognizable to us. The link below will direct you to his website, and this book.

http://www.cslewis.com/tag/grief/

Reading books and writings about grief and widowhood really made a difference in dealing with my great loss. Without it, I would feel even more alone, and perhaps would no longer be walking this earth. As you may also feel, that living after losing your spouse, seems pointless.

Give yourself the gift of knowing that others have been where you are, in a way, and their experience can prepare you for what you may feel in the future.

Remember, early grief can feel like your in the middle of an air raid. Shelter yourself the best you can by educating yourself on what to expect in this transition of life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-ax9QbDlwE

When it’s all too much, or you just need to relax, hopefully this can help you as it has me.