Author: widowedtoosoon

Dreams during grief is a subject I could talk about for hours. But, for now I’ll discuss my most loving dream. And please know that I’ve only had one good grief dream. The rest have been nightmares. The kind of nightmares that physically lift you from your resting position. The ones that cause sweating, waking up screaming, and terror for hours after waking. Dreams during grief are more powerful than I can explain here. They will rock you to your core. They will change you and your perspective. You will sometimes have to spend time convincing yourself that they were just a dream, not reality. These are things people don’t talk about, but I am damn ready to.

So, my loving grief dream was very short. Fifteen seconds, maybe. And I woke up with a start just one minute before my morning alarm clock rang. That’s all I got after waiting for a loving experience after several years. But, I’ll take all I can get at this point.

It went something like this. I spotted him in a parking lot. We gazed at each other. I ran to his arms and he embraced me in a big hug that I felt physically, and it was strong. Then I woke up. I fed off this dream for days after. And I think it has changed me for the better. A good friend said that spirits cannot spend too much time with us because we would become dependent on that attention. And this gives me comfort.

In the early days, I wanted so much to be completely alone. I was in deep and didn’t want to talk about anything to anyone. But more importantly, I didn’t want to explain to anyone how or what I was feeling. This was my own personal darkness that no one was permitted to have access to. Ok, maybe my therapist had a bit of access.

But now, I’m completely alone and wish certain people would at least reach out. I’m assuming it’s too hard for them to contemplate his death. I get it. I still can’t believe it myself most days. But, I have zero empathy for that bullshit copout. Grow up! I’ve had to endure this every second of my life the last few years. There’s nothing for me to look forward to anymore. And you can’t even take the time to check that I’m still alive?

Go fuck yourself!

I know it’s uncomfortable to talk to a grieving person. But, get over yourself. You get to spend a few minutes contemplating the depressive state I’m in, then go back to normal. You selfish twat.

Now, the better side of me says, “Remember the ones that do reach out. Those are your people now. They will support you.” And, I’m right of course. As always. But what about those ‘ride or die’ friends and family that you always assumed would support you the most?

They too are becoming dead to me.

Funny how many parts of your culture no longer apply to your life anymore. Friends having a dinner party or get-together? You’re probably not going to be invited. You’re presence is a buzz kill. You are going to make things awkward for other people. This can be applied for almost all celebrations with your friends. Though, family obligations can be different.

People who you thought were your friends, are going to show their true colors now. Most of them don’t have the self awareness that you’ve recently gained yourself. They don’t have coping skills that you were forced to learn, whether you wanted to or not.

I cannot find a solution to this. You’re just an outsider now. Good luck out there.

Those whom you thought would get you through this, are about to ghost you. So, not only will you loose your spouse, you will loose family and friends. Not just their support through this experience, but they may completely ignore your entire existence on this planet.

I wish someone had warned me of this, but I had to learn it on my own. For a while, I thought I was just a complete asshole and nobody liked me. And, maybe that is somewhat true. But, no one will tell you that to your face. And, don’t expect an explanation from anyone as to why they are behaving so coldly to you.

I’ve decided to quit trying to have relationships with these people. It’s hard to admit that people don’t care. But, that my friends is the sad reality. People are much too selfish to give a good goddamn about you. But, who needs those kinds of people anyway?

Now, people may say vaguely that they care, and that they’re there for you should you need anything at all. But, ask yourself, do they call on holidays? Do they randomly reach out to see how your day was? The ones that do, are physically showing you they care. These are the relationships to invest in. Screw the others that don’t give you this attention. You are deserving of it.

And, do know that their will be additional support available to you. Just not from who you expect it from. Learn to appreciate and nurture these non-traditional relationships. They have helped get me through this. Remember, you are on your own now in this new world. Be brave.

Well, you may have noticed recently how almost everyone is giddy with the coming of spring. I live in the Northeast section of the United States, and this is an annual occurrence. The moment the chance of frost is over, and the sun is out daily, people get obnoxious. They’re loud, excited, and appear to be high after a long and cold winter.

They don’t even recognize they’re doing this. And I constantly point it out. I do this to be rude, and also to bring their awareness to the fact that not everyone feels the way they do right now. Not to mention, they’ve been total cunts the whole winter season. The lack of sunlight brings on major seasonal depression in this area, and I’ve learned to accept it. Though, it took me years to recognize it.

Now, how does all this effect us as widows/widowers? Well, we don’t give a fuck that it’s spring. Our year will suck no matter the season. Sunshine doesn’t bring out loved ones back. We still hate everything and everyone, and that doesn’t change with the changing of the seasons. As far as I’m concerned, everyone can eat shit and die.

Enjoy your day everyone!

Well, these are all shit now, aren’t they?

Remember when these songs gave you hope? Made you feel inspired, not disappointed.

I have to say, it has taken me several years to be able to listen to any music that isn’t considered “meditative”. Music that I cared about in the past, was much too painful to listen to. I’m just now starting to listen to my favorites again. But not all. Some hit me like a wreaking ball (no pun intended). But, seriously. Many albums are off limits to me right now. I don’t feel like “feeling my emotions” like people tell me I should. Though, my therapist doesn’t pressure me with this kind of talk, thank God! As a matter of fact, he supplies me with many drugs that completely eliminate the possibility.

Do some songs bring a tear to my eye? Absolutely! But, I’m not losing my shit and balling my eyes out, reaching for a suicidal weapon. And that’s where you want to be emotionally. Am I right?

In the words of the great Tom Petty,

“You belong among the wildflowers.

You belong on a boat out at sea.

You belong on the arm of a lover.

You belong somewhere you feel free.”

We belong here, but it doesn’t mean we are here. Or ever will be again.

Ok, maybe I can still bust a move to a love song with a good beat. I’m only human.

https://www.instagram.com/widowmusings

In the early days of grieving, whenever I was forced to go into public, I wanted to drape myself from head to toe in black cloth. I wanted to hide myself with mourning attire so that no one would bother me. In Victorian times, women would wear black so that the public would know that she was in mourning, and shouldn’t be bothered or approached. The veil in particular was meant to hide her sadness because it was a private matter. I would love for this to still be tradition because it would suit my desire to hide away, and let the general public know that I want to be respected, and left alone. I still wear black everyday, but most people assume that it’s just a fashion choice. But, perhaps some understand that I’m in mourning, and I wish to be left alone.

These holidays can be frustrating for those of us who are in mourning everyday. We remember our loss minute to minute, hour to hour. We don’t need special days set aside, such as anniversaries, to remind us that we are in mourning.

Though, we know it’s important to pay attention to holidays of mass casualties, such as World Wars, we don’t choose to only remember these losses on certain dates like those that have not been personally affected. Once you’ve suffered a significant loss, you understand how everyday is a remembrance day.

Also, if your loss is tied to a significant holiday, it can almost seem that people are tone-deaf to your mourning, and that they expect you to save your mourning for a specific day, or a day that doesn’t impact their celebrations. That’s not how grief works, and people should be more respectful and understanding of that.