Author: widowedtoosoon

It's all in the name of the blog.
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Lost, then found.

My late husband lost his wedding ring within a year of us being married. I was not shocked at the time, but very disappointed. It was probably more important to me than it was to him. To me, it was a symbol of our wedding ceremony and our life together. It still bothers me to this day that I don’t have it. I did purchase him a new ring for our 5th wedding anniversary. It had a band of wood in the center, which is the material you give for the 5th anniversary. We kept up with the annual traditions, which I remember fondly when I come across those items. I still have the wooden ring.

TRADITIONAL WEDDING ANNIVERSARY GIFTS:

1ST YEAR: Paper
2ND YEAR: Cotton
3RD YEAR: Leather
4TH YEAR: Fruit & Flowers, or Linen & Silk
5TH YEAR: Wood
6TH YEAR: Iron / Candy
7TH YEAR: Wool/ Copper
8TH YEAR: Bronze
9TH YEAR: Pottery
10TH YEAR: Tin/ Aluminum

11TH YEAR: Steel
12TH YEAR: Silk
13TH YEAR: Lace
14TH YEAR: Ivory
15TH YEAR: Crystal
20TH YEAR: China
25TH YEAR: Silver
30TH YEAR: Pearl
35TH YEAR: Coral
40TH YEAR: Ruby
45TH YEAR: Sapphire
50TH YEAR: Gold

55TH YEAR: Emerald
60TH YEAR: Diamond

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Happy Holidays! (Insert rage scream)

Ok, so it’s the holiday season and it seems like everyone is complaining about how hard everything is for them. People are selfish even though this is the season for dropping that trait. Please remember not everyone is a prick, but most are. Their problems make you want to scream because they caused these issues themselves. If they had real problems, they’d probably be quiet like we are.

We cannot begin to explain the gut wrenching heartache we feel, so we don’t even try. Honestly, very few people will actually listen anyway. And even fewer, actually care. If you want someone to care, I suggest you hire a therapist. Because, they are required to pay attention. Other people will just bring up their own issues when you try to talk. Fuck them and their superficial problems. Be real with yourself. If the only one who will listen is your dog or cat, make use of them. Get it out if you need to. I doubt you’ll be destructive. Because after all the pain we’ve gone through, we wouldn’t wish it on our worst enemy.

Take care of yourself. Because other people are focused on caring for themselves and no one else. Care for someone who is less fortunate than you. It will give you strength. Trust me.

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Remembering Who You Were

There is still a large amount of music that I cannot handle listening to. It brings too many strong emotions that I’m not in the mood to deal with yet. I have to be selective to what I put in my ears. And, I don’t listen to music as much as I used to. But, that’s ok. I allow myself to go at a pace that I’m comfortable with. For example, I’ve become dependent on spa music to constantly play in the background at my home.

Recently, I went to my first concert since his passing. It was uncomfortable being in a crowd, but not overwhelming. Of course I cried. I always cry at concerts and weddings.

But, this concert was special. The first CD I ever purchased was by this band, in the early nineties. Their music got me through puberty. And, that’s saying a lot.

I’m so glad I went. It gave me strength, and reminded me of the music I loved and how it got me through some tough times. I was reminded that I can still rely on the songs I Ioved to get me through. And, that I was a person before all this. Before my marriage. And maybe I can grab onto my past self to get me through the future.

I hope that you have something similar that you can lean on that brings you hope and comfort.

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Anger

This feeling ebbs and flows in grief. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a stage. Nothing is temporary when it comes to feelings associated with grief. Yes, some feelings come and go but none disappear completely. At least, not for me. Granted, I have put in let’s say, less than a decade of time, but everyone’s account and opinions matter.

So, what types of anger do I feel? Whom am I angry at?

I’m angry at him for dying, for not taking better care of himself. For leaving me alone. I’m angry at myself for not seeing this coming. For loving someone so much. I’m angry at friends and family who don’t give a shit. Mostly, I’m angry this moment, at God. If he exists, He can piss off. How dare this happen. I’m not, nor have I been a bad person. I’ve followed all the rules in life. I don’t deserve this! Though, in my opinion, some people deserve what they get.

It’s impossible to rationalize something like this happening in your brain. Don’t even try. I said to myself early on that I would not “shoulda, coulda, woulda”, anything in this grief process. That it would be a never ending road that would actually make me feel more shitty than I already do.

Also, people who don’t care, can go fuck themselves. I’m learning to embrace this mentality. Because, facing the rejection and abandonment from those people whom I assumed cared about me, would be completely unbearable.

Don’t be afraid to be mad. Just don’t bottle it up and let it fester. You, more than most people, are entitled to feel it.