Author: widowedtoosoon

Okay, I know the holidays just ended and we should expect to be on a high from it all. But I think this may have been one of the most underwhelming holiday seasons I’ve ever experienced.

And, I know my yearly seasonal depression is arriving. Am I depressed all year round? Pretty much. But the dark winter months can hold a special darkness for some of us. It’s most definitely the lack of sunlight where I live, this time of year that causes a lot of sadness.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the hibernation months of winter. No pressure to get out and about. No guilt about not doing yard work. Less people around in public to get in your way. It’s pretty great actually.

And yes. I take my vitamins and actively engage in self-care. But let’s be honest. Depression is real and doesn’t always go away. I’ve tried it all. Therapy included. I even have a happy light and exercise regularly. But, until life gives me a reason to live again, I don’t see this getting any better.

Who else feels like they’re just going through the motions?

Yes! And he’s my ghost and no one else’s. He follows me around all day and sleeps by my side at night. He warns me when there’s danger and he comforts me when I’m sad. He’s a part of me that no one can see.

This is my fantasy.

What a profound question. Since he died, I’ve transformed into someone else. Not the same as I was with him. Not the same as I was before him. This is a 3rd chapter in my life. Will there be more chapters? I don’t know and I’m not sure I can take more change. It’s inevitable but I’m not sure I look forward to it.

In the past, change has meant trauma. I know I’m stronger and capable of handling more, but that doesn’t mean I want to. I want calm. Minimal excitement. Coping with trauma has been the biggest experience in my life. I want to let others know that you can make it through, but if you don’t want to, I understand that as well. Giving up during and after trauma is a legitimate feeling. So, don’t let others who haven’t experience it, tell you how to feel. Sometimes, I want to end it all. And that feeling can be more consistent than not feeling it.

Perhaps you feel numb. That’s normal too. If you can ride the waves of different feelings and make it through, you’re exceptional. But I don’t blame those that can’t make it through. Losing a spouse it the hardest thing a human being can go through, next to losing a child. Which I imaging to be worse.

I am alone but I carry him with me at all times. It’s hard to describe this sort of relationship to others, especially people who never met my husband. Those who never knew us as husband and wife must have a totally different perspective of me than the ones that did.

When I feel an attraction to someone, it never goes any further than initial attraction. Because where can it go? I still feel married. There is always a ring on my finger. To explain widowhood to a potential partner, seem exhausting. And not really worth the effort. I assume no one would want my baggage, just like I wouldn’t care for theirs. We’re all damaged goods, I guess.

For now, I am my number one priority. And that feels okay. I have always put someone else first in the past. Usually, a partner. Now, there is no one to look after me, and that hurts tremendously. But it’s not worth the effort to try to find someone that would have to meet my now even higher standards. Probably because that person does not and cannot exist.

“Sometimes we aren’t meant to get over someone, and we go on living a little bit emptier. ” – Leo Christopher

If you’re feeling extra depressed today, please know that is perfectly normal in your situation. And I wish I could say something to make you feel the slightest bit better. But all I can really do is tell you I relate, and perhaps that will bring you some comfort in this moment.

A word of advice, stay away from the grocery store today. It will be full of flowers and chocolates which may be triggers for you. Stay away from restaurants, movie theaters, anywhere you can imagine couples will be going to celebrate today.

Now, this will make you feel ostracized, but you can do something for yourself instead. I recommend eating a whole chocolate cake in bed, while watching your favorite programs or reading a book. Take a hot bath or shower. Lather yourself in yummy fragrances. Today should be all about your self-care, no one else.

I say all of this with love and compassion for you and your wellbeing. Please take care of yourself every day the best you can, especially on holidays. Because, unfortunately, no one else really knows what you need to be comforted. 

I think people that I interact with day to day forget the huge weight of grief that I carry. When I say to them that I’m feeling depressed they ask why. And I have to remind them that I’m grieving on top of already suffering from depression.

Like, wake the fuck up and remember who I am. Yes, I identify myself with grief. I don’t try to hide it or pretend it isn’t there. Honestly, the shear ignorance that people walk around with is mind baffling. How lucky they are to be immune from grief. How delightful their days must be.

Fuck them!

Well, fuck! Big breath out…

Hitting the mid-life point is hard enough with someone by your side. But, to trek it alone is almost unbearable. Who am I kidding? It’s all fucking unbearable. I thought it was getting easier until recently.

I was feeling stronger. But, no. Some days feel like it’s back to square one. Also, suicide seems to be more prevalent in my mind. And why not? The only thing holding me back is the fear of guilt I might feel in the afterlife for hurting friends and family. Yes, I do have a select few people who care. But, and even smaller few who I can really talk to. And, I am so grateful for those selection few. Without them, suicide would have been a sweet relief a long time ago. My self control is astounding.

I know, me, me, me!

But, seriously. Why can’t more people in the world feel guilt? Wouldn’t it prevent a lot of destruction? I mean, where do people get off? I am so disappointed in humanity. Can’t we be better? Do better?

Why do the harsh realities of life have to be so obvious to me? Sometimes, I want to live like everyone else with no shame for my behaviors. No consideration of others.

I suppose what I really want is recognition of what I’m going through day to day without my husband. Why can’t people recognize that and give it the credit it’s due. Do I deserve a medal? Fuck yes, I do. And so do you if you’re going through it as well. Everyone else gets to brush the mere thought off their shoulder like it was a bothersome fly.

So, back to mid-life crisis, which is probably the reason you clicked this link. I don’t know. It’s so cliche’ how I feel.

Do I want to fuck someone much younger than me? Yes.

Do I want to become fit and start working out again? Yes.

Do I want to buy a muscle car? Check!

And, no I’m not a middle aged white guy. But, it’s honestly how I feel. So, what’s a girl to do? Probably nothing. It’s all fantasy, and safe inside my little mind.