What a profound question. Since he died, I’ve transformed into someone else. Not the same as I was with him. Not the same as I was before him. This is a 3rd chapter in my life. Will there be more chapters? I don’t know and I’m not sure I can take more change. It’s inevitable but I’m not sure I look forward to it.
In the past, change has meant trauma. I know I’m stronger and capable of handling more, but that doesn’t mean I want to. I want calm. Minimal excitement. Coping with trauma has been the biggest experience in my life. I want to let others know that you can make it through, but if you don’t want to, I understand that as well. Giving up during and after trauma is a legitimate feeling. So, don’t let others who haven’t experience it, tell you how to feel. Sometimes, I want to end it all. And that feeling can be more consistent than not feeling it.
Perhaps you feel numb. That’s normal too. If you can ride the waves of different feelings and make it through, you’re exceptional. But I don’t blame those that can’t make it through. Losing a spouse it the hardest thing a human being can go through, next to losing a child. Which I imaging to be worse.
Widows Life 