I am alone but I carry him with me at all times. It’s hard to describe this sort of relationship to others, especially people who never met my husband. Those who never knew us as husband and wife must have a totally different perspective of me than the ones that did.
When I feel an attraction to someone, it never goes any further than initial attraction. Because where can it go? I still feel married. There is always a ring on my finger. To explain widowhood to a potential partner, seem exhausting. And not really worth the effort. I assume no one would want my baggage, just like I wouldn’t care for theirs. We’re all damaged goods, I guess.
For now, I am my number one priority. And that feels okay. I have always put someone else first in the past. Usually, a partner. Now, there is no one to look after me, and that hurts tremendously. But it’s not worth the effort to try to find someone that would have to meet my now even higher standards. Probably because that person does not and cannot exist.
Widows Life 