Well, fuck! Big breath out…
Hitting the mid-life point is hard enough with someone by your side. But, to trek it alone is almost unbearable. Who am I kidding? It’s all fucking unbearable. I thought it was getting easier until recently.
I was feeling stronger. But, no. Some days feel like it’s back to square one. Also, suicide seems to be more prevalent in my mind. And why not? The only thing holding me back is the fear of guilt I might feel in the afterlife for hurting friends and family. Yes, I do have a select few people who care. But, and even smaller few who I can really talk to. And, I am so grateful for those selection few. Without them, suicide would have been a sweet relief a long time ago. My self control is astounding.
I know, me, me, me!
But, seriously. Why can’t more people in the world feel guilt? Wouldn’t it prevent a lot of destruction? I mean, where do people get off? I am so disappointed in humanity. Can’t we be better? Do better?
Why do the harsh realities of life have to be so obvious to me? Sometimes, I want to live like everyone else with no shame for my behaviors. No consideration of others.
I suppose what I really want is recognition of what I’m going through day to day without my husband. Why can’t people recognize that and give it the credit it’s due. Do I deserve a medal? Fuck yes, I do. And so do you if you’re going through it as well. Everyone else gets to brush the mere thought off their shoulder like it was a bothersome fly.
So, back to mid-life crisis, which is probably the reason you clicked this link. I don’t know. It’s so cliche’ how I feel.
Do I want to fuck someone much younger than me? Yes.
Do I want to become fit and start working out again? Yes.
Do I want to buy a muscle car? Check!
And, no I’m not a middle aged white guy. But, it’s honestly how I feel. So, what’s a girl to do? Probably nothing. It’s all fantasy, and safe inside my little mind.
Widows Life 