Anger

This feeling ebbs and flows in grief. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a stage. Nothing is temporary when it comes to feelings associated with grief. Yes, some feelings come and go but none disappear completely. At least, not for me. Granted, I have put in let’s say, less than a decade of time, but everyone’s account and opinions matter.

So, what types of anger do I feel? Whom am I angry at?

I’m angry at him for dying, for not taking better care of himself. For leaving me alone. I’m angry at myself for not seeing this coming. For loving someone so much. I’m angry at friends and family who don’t give a shit. Mostly, I’m angry this moment, at God. If he exists, He can piss off. How dare this happen. I’m not, nor have I been a bad person. I’ve followed all the rules in life. I don’t deserve this! Though, in my opinion, some people deserve what they get.

It’s impossible to rationalize something like this happening in your brain. Don’t even try. I said to myself early on that I would not “shoulda, coulda, woulda”, anything in this grief process. That it would be a never ending road that would actually make me feel more shitty than I already do.

Also, people who don’t care, can go fuck themselves. I’m learning to embrace this mentality. Because, facing the rejection and abandonment from those people whom I assumed cared about me, would be completely unbearable.

Don’t be afraid to be mad. Just don’t bottle it up and let it fester. You, more than most people, are entitled to feel it.