“It was only a nightmare.”

Last night I woke up screaming.

When I have a nightmare, which is more frequent since becoming a widow, I miss my husband there to wake me up, comfort me, while I’m experiencing a bad dream. Now, its all up to me, to awaken, to comfort myself, and to convince myself it was just a dream. Though, the dreams are usually very vivid, which means a longer time to understand that it wasn’t real.

He doesn’t appear as himself when he visits my dreams. He’s a different person, on the inside. He’s a mean person, who doesn’t like me, and refuses to talk to me most of the time. He tries to explain he’s in love with someone else. He no longer wants me in his life.

This is all bullshit, of course. My husband wasn’t the cheating kind. He always would say, when discussing a cheater; “what man wants two women? One is a handful!” Which I completely adored him saying, and I also agreed.

But, I know these dreams are just my brain trying to explain his absence. It’s only trying to help me understand why he isn’t here. But, after eating in bed at night, a recent coping mechanisim since his death, my stomach takes part with my brain to tramatize me with these nightmares. Now, I know I should stop eating after 8p.m., blah, blah, blah. But, as you may know, food is a comfort. Especially, when I’m about to lay my head down and become completely vulnerable, physically and mentally. So, thank you Nutella for your comfort.

The funny, yet appalling thing is, that when my husband was dying, I told him to come to me in my dreams if he could, after he passed. But, of course this is not what I had in mind, and confirms my beleif that their is no afterlife.